Should You Be Friends with Your Ex?

DEAR DR. JENN,

After three years together, my boyfriend broke up with me, and I'm still struggling. I still think of him as one of my best friends and confidants, and I don't want to lose him in my life. I want to be friends but don't know if it's truly possible or healthy for me long-term. Can exes ever really be just friends? — Friend, No Benefits

DEAR FRIEND, NO BENEFITS,

Staying friends with an ex can feel like the ultimate sign of maturity. That might explain why the intention to stay friends is usually included in most celebrity breakup announcements. Still, not every couple is destined to be Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt (or Justin Theroux, for that matter!) or Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. In fact, unless there are shared children in the picture, I generally am not a fan of staying friends with your ex.

That's not to say it can never work. However, if you want to give it a shot, I recommend examining your true motives first. Deciding to stay friends with an ex because you aren't over them romantically — and want to leave the door open in case they change their mind about the breakup — is definitely not advised and will only hold you back from being able to move on.

If you're unsure of your reasons, this list could provide some clarity.

Six Reasons Not to Attempt a Friendship

1. You can't separate.

In my clinical experience, taking time off from all contact immediately after a breakup is beneficial. This is the time for boundaries. Having clear-cut rules of engagement is crucial to your healing process. This time allows you to let go, grieve the loss of the relationship, and have distance that gives you a new perspective. I always recommend taking one year of space, no less than six months.

After taking that break, if you still want to be friends and you can answer the question I propose at the end of this article in the affirmative, you might have a potential friendship to develop!

2. One of you still has feelings for the other.

Typically, one person wanted to break up more than the other. Therefore, one of you is likely to still have romantic feelings. Spending time together when you have romantic desires is messy. Think about it: Are you spending a lot of time dressing up, trying to look fabulous, and seem cool and desirable to your ex before your "platonic" hangouts? If so, you aren't just being friends — you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

Hanging out with your ex when there are lingering feelings prevents you from grieving the loss of the relationship and feeling the feelings you need to experience to let go. It creates a sense of denial about whether or not the relationship is really over. To be available for a healthy relationship — either as friends with your ex or romantically with someone else — you must grieve the loss and let go first.

3. You still hook up, or would if the mood strikes.

After a breakup, there is likely to be leftover sexual chemistry. Not that long ago, the two of you were sleeping together! When a breakup is recent, those sexual feelings are probably still in the air. The "just friends" endeavor won't work if there's any possibility of adding "benefits."

4. You're looking for a serious relationship with someone new.

Let's be real: Your ex is likely to be a cock block. Plus, when your emotional needs are being met by a former flame, you are less likely to open your heart and give any suitors a real shot. You might be asking yourself, "Who needs a new boyfriend who is jealous of or uncomfortable with my dear friend who happens to be my ex-boyfriend?"

That's a very bad sign! It's fair and expected for potential new partners to be uncomfortable with you confiding in your ex about them or still going out drinking with them and nurturing the bond you share. That energy is better used towards building a new healthy relationship that has potential for a future.

5. You're extremely invested in whether your ex is dating again.

All too often, I see people stay friends with their former partners in order to keep an eye on their dating life and attempt to influence it. Advising your ex against the hot person he met in the bar is not being a protective friend; it's an attempt to manipulate their future love life or even keep them to yourself. This is not good for either of you.

6. Friendship feels like a consolation prize.

If you started out as romantic partners, downgrading to a friendship is likely to be less than stellar. A study of the friendship between exes found that the more romantic desire was present, the lower the quality of the friendship would be. This means you have to be really honest with yourself about whether or not you still have feelings to assess whether or not an honest friendship is even possible.

Ask Yourself This Question to Determine If You and Your Ex Can Stay Friends

The most important question to ask yourself: "If my ex met someone new and fell madly in love, would I be genuinely happy for them both?"

Can you see yourself going to dinner to celebrate with your ex and their new partner — even if you are still single? This is the ultimate litmus test you must hold yourself to. If you can't honestly answer whether you'd be comfortable hanging out with them and truly happy your ex had met someone, you shouldn't be hanging out.

The most important question to ask yourself: "If my ex met someone new and fell madly in love, would I be genuinely happy for them both?"

Ideally, you'd wait six to 12 months after a breakup before asking yourself that question. If there ever was any abuse in the relationship, don't ask it at all — focus on getting distance and moving on.

After any breakup, you want to ensure that you put your well-being first. If you're doing that, and you can answer a resounding "yes" to this question, then, sure, your ex can be a friend in that time of growth and need.

In Hump Day, award-winning psychotherapist and TV host Dr. Jenn Mann answers your sex and relationship questions — unjudged and unfiltered.

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